When I look down the side bar of this here blog o' mine, I can see just how many starts and stops there have been in the last 6 years of my journey.
SIX YEARS!! And honestly, I'm no further ahead than I was in April 2009 when I first started this blog...or this version of it.
I can also see that I had moderate success after our move to New Zealand. I didn't have a car so I had to walk everywhere. I joined Weight Watchers (again) and I started to lose weight. I was going swimming regularly and I got some semblance of control on the things I was eating.
And then in July 2012, I got a horrendous staph infection in my left leg that ran from hip to my ankle...but mostly knee to ankle. Aside from the week in hospital, I spent another month or so not doing a whole lot other than sitting around and eating. 'Cos...y'know....I could.
I never got the motivation back. I never gathered myself and said, "Hey Self...you need to get your fat ass out there and DO something". I never said "Self, those 40kgs (88 lbs) that you lost are coming to find you again and each one you let through is attaching themselves to your hips like Klingons on the starboard bow of the Enterprise".
I kept on keeping on.
And y'know what? 3 years later I'm STILL saying "oh but I got an infection in my leg".
THREE YEARS!!!! Seriously? What the eff is wrong with me? WHY am I still clinging to THAT old excuse?
I've been swimming in a pool ONCE since I got that infection because I'm scared. We're pretty sure that's where I picked up the bacteria that made me so sick and I'm scared to get it again. But you know what? I miss swimming! I love the water. I was born to be in the water. I float without even trying, always have. Even when I wasn't a narwhal, I floated. So, yeah, I miss being in the water.
I miss putting my headphones on and walking for miles (or ...kilometres, as it should be). Just being alone in my thoughts with the music drowning everything out. I miss that.
So WHY am I still hiding behind the same lame old excuse?
Because it's the only one I've got left. Being tired, lack of time, kids activities, housework....it's all bullsh*t. But clinging to that old excuse? It's my default comfort setting.
Here's the thing though. I'm tired of being fat and unhealthy. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of not being able to find nice clothes, touch my toes, go for a bike ride with my kids, run up a flight of stairs without dying.
I sit with my laptop and watch old school friends (Dave, Richard) of mine post on Facebook about their gym adventures and I'm so proud of them. One day, I hope that they'll see my stuff go by and think the same thing. 2 years from now is my 20 year reunion in the UK. I want to go. I want to go and show my husband where I went to school, maybe even some of the places I grew up. I want to see all the people I went to school with. More than that? I want to be able to fit in the plane seats comfortably without having to ask for a seatbelt extension.
Over the last 3 or 4 years I have stopped and started too many times. I have done it because some random person made a rude comment. I've done it because I thought my husband was embarrassed to be out with me. I've done it so that I wouldn't shame my kids when I show up at their school events, the fattest mum in attendance.
I've never done it for me.
And that? That's the key. If I do this for ANYONE other than myself, I'm doomed to fail. I've never liked people telling me what to do or think.
I don't want to be skinny. I don't care about skinny.
I want to be healthy.
I want to strong.
I want to be fit.
I want to be able to do so many things that I just can't right now because of my health and my size.
I want..........to succeed.
Step 1: Make the conscious decision that this is for me and no one else.
Step 2: Sign up for an awesome deal at the local gym AND schedule in time to go at least 3 times a week.
Step 3: Get back to my blogging and set up my FB page again. Not so that I can have people fawn over me. I don't want that. So that I can be accountable. To myself, to you, to whomever is out there reading.
Step 4: Set goals.
Step 5: Weigh myself. 166.7 kgs (366.74 lbs) *gulp* GAH! Run away!!! Oh. Wait. I don't run. Walk away...quickly!
Step 6: DO IT. Just friggin' DO IT!
This step is going to be a constant work in progress and is going to need your help. Yes. You. Sitting there reading this. Poke me. Prod me. Ask me if I've gone for a walk today. INVITE me for a walk today! Encourage me.
I'm doing this for me. Not you. Not anyone else. But the encouragement is still vital.
New post in a few days. Weigh in weekly.